...

i don't beg. i reason.

through all my past relationships.. i realize things & grow.
if you think i'm weak now you really should have seen me before.
i'm actually quite proud & pleased with how much stronger i've become.
just because i may not be strong in the way you expect me to be/act, doesn't mean i'm not strong.
you're just not getting what you want and that's the bottom line.

i'm never going to beg you to be my friend. & i'm talking to everyone & in general here. IF i care enough, i will try and reason it out with you to let you see how i see it. i know i'm not always right, perhaps never.. but i know my own mind best thank you very much so i say how it is with me & you've just gotta accept that as MY TRUTH.

i cared enough for you. (still do). and i tried.
i'm sorry i'm sounding harsh rite now but this is my attempt at being blunt because
this just may be the last words we get to exchange because of a little something called stubbornness.
& that's on both our parts.

i hope you realize that through these past 3 years the times when i showed that i cared the most were during the times when we were "just friends"- the in betweens. i was there for you, to vent, to advise, to help, to literally take care of you. & that should have made you realize how much you really meant to me. because i gave myself without expectation of anything back. i'm offering my hand of friendship once again & you made a decision to turn the other way. in all honesty, its your loss. i understand it does take time. trust me, i've been through it. & how hard it is or how long it will take is all a mindset. IF or WHEN you ever decide to come back & take up this hand.. it'll still be here. like i said, my caring is unconditional. do me wrong all you want, i'm still gonna care. but of course i may not treat you the same as before; and most definitely i'm never gonna look at you the same. i don't already.

worth is subjective.
for me it measures the promise of something good.
not the probability of anything bad.

apparently...

ok so its seems i have a new favorite word... "apparently" (said with a british accent of course =p)...

& apparently...

subliminal messages don't really work =(
at least not when you really really want them to the most (unfortunately)
perhaps next time i should make it a bit less obvious eh?
DAMN.  U_U

i don't actually hate kids. well, not all of them i guess...
i <3 my babies. ug. they may make me go insane, but they keep me grounded & inspired.
thank you for that.
^____^

the last harry potter book (7) will be split into 2 separate movies.. which is probably not a big to deal to you but obviously is to me otherwise i wouldn't be mentioning it now would i?
my take on it... i say - good idea. let's prolong the existence of "something new" in the world of HP as long as we possibly can =)

we're on the brink of a "dance dance REVOLUTION"
with mainstream media thrown into the mix, our dance community may change drastically.
... or will it? O_o
in the end, its really up to us. sou desu ne?

when it comes to me, the bad things outweigh the good..aaaand my friendship is not as valuable as i would have liked to hope it would be. (wow tracface is gonna kill me for that sentence =_=)
so.. here's fair warning - i'm quite a handful, suggest you don't bother. this is not a challenge; i'm being real here.
don't even bother unless you don't mind bothering yourself.
but you know what, i am what i am & if you can't accept me for that, then that's fine. your decision. my loss/your loss, but i'll deal. just make sure you can deal with that decision too.

my body clock has now officially adjusted to sunrise as my "time to go to bed". grrreat. i really hope you're doing better than i am. for your sake. =p

You know that's what I thought too..
Until it came to the point where I realized you being around me in general only made me unhappy if I made it make me unhappy.
You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me have fun.. just by being there and being you, interacting with me & being a part of my life.
You make me frustrated, you make me groan, you make me sad.. if I ONLY think about the bad things, the uncertainty, & the thought of you not being a part of my life.

It means the world to me whenever someone feels comfortable & gracious enough to open their heart to me.. & when it was you, you can't even imagine how incredibly good it felt, yet at the same time I was absolutely scared to death because I know how much damage I'm capable of with a heart in my hands (especially yours).  It was undeniably selfish of me to take on the risk, but can you really blame me? It was you. And you've always been something in my eyes. If you know me, you know I'm not much of a risk taker at all in life; but I guess sometimes you feel things are truly worth the possibility of getting hurt over.

I've been through this thrice with you already, and each time it ends the same.  But that's only because we let it end that way.  Goodness knows I'm tired of making you out to be something you're really not just so that I could give myself peace of mind.  And I truly hope that is not what you're doing about me =(  So here's how I see it.. we have two options: 1) eternal sunshine of the spotless mind type deal **subliminal message - bad bad bad bad bad idea, worst idea ever in life - subliminal message**  OR 2) take it a day at a time, don't dwell on the negative but embrace the positive that comes from putting us side by side. I'm not asking for your heart, or your trust, or anything... there doesn't have to be any expectations whatsoever on either side.  You see, I meant every word I said when it came to how I felt about you as a person.  And my words are not conditional.  No matter the circumstance, I'm sorry but I'm still gonna care. I know that you know no relationship (whether it be friends, lovers, family) is perfect; and you know that I know I am nowhere near even close to wishing I was capable of perfection... so with that in mind, I hope you remember me as I really am.. I'm no different than how you saw me.. except maybe a bit more dorky & even less self-assured than you may know.. I'm no angel but my heart is pure, I can confidently say. I mean & wish no harm whatsoever & I only want the best for the people I love & care about. Yes, that definitely includes you. If anything, I'll do my best to try to care a little less, since caring so much is apparently what makes me mess things up in the first place =p  But I can't make any promises; remember, no expectations.. just simple, minimal interactions. I'm not asking for a chance to hold your hand, I'm simply asking for a chance to still share an inside joke once in awhile & perhaps if I'm lucky, a "real hug".  And slowly, hopefully.. instead of taking the other path and things being once again "uncomfortably bad to non-existent" between us, we can make it so that things can be "not so bad after all"...

there's a difference...

between being stubbornly selfish

and selfishly stubborn.

you figure it out.  it took me awhile....